ENGLISH COMPETENCY EXAMS
AT COLLEGE OF THE REDWOODS

English 350

English 350 Sample Student Essays With Scores & Comments

(Note: In the following essays, you will find the thesis, plan of development, and the topic sentences underlined. Also, student errors have been left in so that you may evaluate mechanical and structural issues as they were written.)

The students' essays below are in response to one of the two prompts listed below.

1. Everyone seems to agree that there is a lack of communication in most American families. Describe a few practical solutions that could improve communication among family members.

2. Some people believe that it is a good idea to take a break from school after graduating from high school.  Do you agree or disagree?  Describe the advantages of the choice that you support.

3.  Sports activities seem to receive much attention in our society.  Discuss your involvement or the involvement of your child in sports, focusing on whether that involvement was positive or negative.  

Score of 5

(Note: There are two samples of 5.)

Involvement in Sports 

Do children really benefit from being involved in sports? Are they consumed by the pressure of having to play well? Do they really learn sportsmanship or do they attain a selfish attitude? Many people feel opposed to children playing in sport activities, but the involvement of sports in my son, David’s life has been beneficial. He has gained knowledge through interacting with teammates that has encouraged him socially, and he has had positive experiences during the sport seasons that have helped him emotionally.

First, participating in team sports has given David opportunities to grow socially. Each season he is introduced to new teams with new people. The coaches have always been supportive in mixing the kids together so they would get to know one another. When my son began five years ago, he wanted me to stay by his side and would not talk to anybody. In watching him now, he politely introduces himself and then begins to comfortably play. Having the positive experiences of mingling with other kids helped David as he began at a new school this year with ease. He has also learned about interacting with different personalities. Being part of a team means that everybody needs to work together and encourage each other for everyone to succeed. Last baseball season, one boy on David’s team gave supportive words to all the players. By the end of the season, everybody was doing as he did, which made the morale rate elevate. The more advanced children have always acted as assistants to the coaches in teaching the new players. David has grasped that unspoken rule and now helps the less advantaged players. My son has gained knowledge through interacting with the different teammates which has encouraged him socially.

Second, David has had positive experiences during the sport seasons that have helped him emotionally. For instance, his father has always assisted in coaching during baseball. This has created a special bond between David and his dad, for they have both shared in the same experiences of play. They communicate more with each other and share quality time together now. During the games are times when families encourage all the children. Seeing this support from the different community members has helped to build David’s self-esteem. The exercising has benefited him emotionally as well. During baseball, basketball, and soccer seasons, he tends to be happier and more energized as he physically stays busy. Most importantly, participating in sports will help David in the future when peer pressure and other hardships of being a teenager happen. He hopefully will be able to use sports as an outlet since he will have already gained confidence and ability to play. David has gained emotionally from his valued experiences.

In conclusion, having positive experiences through being associated in sports has helped David socially and emotionally. I hope that when he becomes an adult and has children of his own, he will continue to be involved in sports for himself and the future generation.

Comment: This essay thoughtfully and convincingly addresses the topic. The support in the body paragraphs is specific and coherent, and the sentences are stylistically varied and mechanically correct. A tight organized plan keeps the focus unified.  

Second Score of 5

Ways to Keep the Family Close 

Why do families break up so much?  Why do husbands and wives grow apart?  Why do children become unconnected with their mom and dad?  Why can't parents be close with their children?  The American family seems to be falling apart more and more as time goes on.  Lack of communication in the family unit seems to be among the leading causes of the deterioration of the family. There are three practical ways that a family can have good communication skills.  Spending quality time as a family, getting to individually know each family member, and keeping the priorities in line are all important.

One practical way to keep communication in a family going is through spending quality, family time all together.  At the end of the day or the week is a good time.  For instance, when I was a child, Sunday was our "family day."  My brother, my parents, and I would all get up early and go to church.  We were not allowed to have friends over that day.  My mom would make a nice meal, and we would sit around the table after church and talk about our week.  The afternoons were spent playing board games or going on nice, scenic drives.  This weekly routine caused us all to take that day and make it just for us.  We focused on our relationship within the family, therefore, keeping our relationship strong and communication open.

Another practical solution or way to have good communications skills in the family is through taking time to really get to know each individual in the family.  A family is one, but all members are different.  Different personalities, likes, and dislikes are among the family unit.  Appreciation and value must be placed on each member for communication to flow smoothly.  For example, I was once close friends with a family who had six kids.  All of them were in their teens and had very different personalities.  They did not want to lose touch with each other, so they performed a weekly ritual.  Each week was designated for one family member.  My best friend Jane was a member of this family.  When it was her week each brother, sister, and parent would spend a portion of one of their days with her.  Her dad would take her for ice cream, her brother would go on a bike ride with her, etc. This ritual kept the family close and the communication open.

The third most important way to have good communication skills is to keep your priorities in line.  Your family members should be close to the top of your priority list or even number one.  This ensures healthy, unselfish relationships within the family.  For example, dad might have to postpone his fishing trip to attend his son=s basketball playoff game.  Daughter might have to give up one day at the mall to stay home with her mom who has the flu. Really caring and accepting the give and take in a family is essential.  Each member of a family must keep their priorities in line to keep the communication open.

In conclusion, the statement "Your family is your fortune" is very true.  Investing into each other in our families and learning how to communicate is a valued treasure.  There are three practical ways to have good communication.  Spending quality time as a family, getting to individually know each family member, and keeping the priorities in line are all important. 

Comment: This essay fully and thoughtfully addresses the topic.  The introduction is involving and the conclusion satisfying.  What distinguishes this essay is the excellent, convincing support, tight unity maintained throughout all paragraphs, coherent organizational structure, and nearly flawless mechanics.

Score of 4

Don’t Take That Break!

Peering through the windshield, heading to a job that I dread going to everyday. I catch the sun as it burns off the last of the early morning fog. I juggle in my mind how I can manage my time to allow for the hours of homework needed to do well in a class that I’m struggling in. Among the many thoughts that race through my mind, the question that seems to linger longer than others is, “Why didn’t I stay in school?” Taking a break after graduating from high school can have negative consequences. Not only can students forget much of what they learned that would be fresh in their minds after graduating but many students may not return at all.

One of the negative consequences of taking a break after graduating from high school is that a student can forget many important math and english skills necessary for success in college courses. A student who struggled in high school, may find it overwhelming when he decides to return to school one, two, or three years later. Also, when math skills are not applied they can become fuzzy, and important math formulas can be forgotten. A student who could have placed into Math 120 after high school, when returning years later, might only place into Math 106, or worse yet Math 376. The same applies for english. Students that take time off after high school can forget important english skills necessary to write a well developed paper, thus forcing the student into a lower english class.

Another detrimental effect that taking time off after graduating is that the student may not return at all. Some students can get caught up with making money. They take on jobs that allow them the freedom to buy the things they couldn’t afford before; for instance, a new car. They are then obligated to monthly payments, along with high insurance premiums. Without proper guidance students can continue to extend themselves financially. School is continued to be put off, and out of necessity, work then becomes a priority. Time passes all too quickly. Before long the students chances of meeting someone increases. They then get married. Family obligations become yet another priority, thus making school even harder to pursue.

Overall, students who take time off after graduating from high school can lose valuable skills that would enable them to be more successful, once they decide to go back to school. Also, the longer a student puts going back to school off, the harder it is to return. These effects can all be avoided if the student would enter college right out of high school.

Comment: Although this essay fully address the topic, shows generally good unity and coherence, and displays some sentence variety, the body paragraphs lack the full, thoughtful, convincing development of an essay scored as a 5. Admittedly, this paper is, however, a high 4.

Score of 3

Taking a Break after Graduating High School

Graduating high school seniors have the decision to either go straight to college or take a semester or longer off. Students may wish to take a break from school to get a job or just hang out with friends. I believe that students should go on to college after graduating high school because it is so difficult to return to school after not going for a while. Students that choose to go to college out of high school have two advantages: one is that, what students learned in high school is still fresh in their minds; two is that students retain their focus on set goals.

First of all, students that go to college after graduation will have the knowledge they were taught in high school still fresh in their minds. When I graduated from high school I decided to take a year off to get a job. After almost ten years I had decided to return to college. I had to relearn all of my math and English skills. If I would have just gone to college out of high school I wouldn’t be having to take so many lower level classes.

Score of 2

Taking a Break

Taking a break after high school can be crucial to your future. I have seen many people take a break and not return. Going to school is the path with more resistance. There are a few reasons why people should go straight to college; you will expand your knowledge, you will not have to relearn arithmetic, you’ll meet new, interesting, and, diverse people.

Expanding your mind with knowledge should be important. A great man named Albert Einstein once said, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” You should crave the taste of knowledge for your own enjoyment. Going to college can give you this satisfaction. You do not want to be another ignorant person in society.

You will start ahead in college if you come straight from high school. Math for example, is one of those skills if you don’t use it, you lose it. Taking time off from school will lower your academic scores and make you fall into untransferable classes. Then it will take even longer to graduate.

Going straight to college will introduce you to a well-range of people. It will help you find out about yourself. Learning how others grew-up, will show you that your not so normal. There is not one way of doing tasks. You will only judge people by the encounters they share with you.

I feel it is important to go straight from high school to college: It help you expand your knowledge, you will not have to relearn what you got out of high school, and you will meet cross road friends. Going straight to college can better your path through life.

Comment: This essay received a 2 because the thesis was not clearly nor adequately developed in the body paragraphs, despite the fact that three body paragraphs were written.

Score of 1

Currently, we do not have a suitable sample of a 1. Generally a score of 1 is received because the student deviates from the topic of the essay perhaps from misreading the prompt.

Score of 0

An essay will receive a 0 if it does not address the topic presented in the prompt.