The LIGHT Center, T-90, College of the Redwoods (476-4290) - February 6, 2000

Last semester we devoted one of the weekly newsletters to a student who described his difficulty with learning to read. Many of you found that to be inspiring and heart-warming. This semester I offer you the experiences of another student who over the years has come to deal with her learning differences.

Imagine a suit of armor, dull and battle-scarred. The joints are frozen in place. Buckles are missing and the lining is frayed beyond repair. This armor was outgrown long ago but it is still being used. I can’t bear to get rid of it even though it doesn’t fit anymore. It has been my only protection for over twenty years and I’m almost afraid to let it go…I am this armor. It’s my persona that I’ve forged over a lifetime of tolerating a learning difference even before I knew what Attention Deficit Disorder was.

Now why, one might inquire, would a person need to create a psychological barrier like this armor? "You’re always daydreaming!" "You’re off in you own little universe again". "You never finish what you start". "You have so much potential". "You could do so much if only you applied yourself". I could write a book on all the variations of these that I’ve heard since kindergarten and I’m a re-entry college student now!

There was one little problem with living in a suit of armor. It didn’t allow any space for growing. Things could get a little crowded in here with all of these tangled nerves, discarded attitudes and other misshapen neuroses. All of my psychic muscles were starting to get seriously cramped. Or as a friend put it, I had my head so far up you-know-where that my nose was getting moldy! So where does this leave our heroine? Well, I’m still trying to cope with something that has given me nothing but an aggravation in my eschewal tuberosity (in layman’s terms that’s a pain in the butt) all my life. Of course, one has to learn mental self-defense when you live with ADD but how do you know when to stop? How do I protect myself from ME? In trying to compensate for what other people saw as flaws, I smothered myself. My creativity, curiosity, intuition, and empathy were stunted. I started to think that maybe the people criticizing me were right all along.

I had lived with these beliefs for so long that I had no real basis for comparison to what I really "should" believe. I thought that there must be something wrong with me--maybe there’s a loose wire somewhere. I found myself wondering…if only I had been diagnosed sooner, I wouldn’t have wasted almost ten years doing menial jobs for minimum wage. I could have been in graduate school or in a better paying job.

Fortunately for my mental stability, I got help from the LIGHT Center and Disabled Student Services. I also have tangible evidence that I am NOT stupid. The last three semesters I have carried over twenty units. Anytime that I feel that old self-doubt coming on, I just look at the Honor roll and Phi Theta Kappa certificates over my desk.

The biggest obstacle that I’ve had to overcome in my life is myself. I have to give up my armor. I have to trust myself and to not say "if only". Instead, I have to believe in what I’ve accomplished in spite of my disabilities and wonder at how far I can go now that I know what I’m up against.

Nelson Mandela said, "As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others".

So the shield is put down and the sword is stored away…

Comments? Mailto:trish-blair@redwoods.edu

by Chief Seattle.
Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves.
All things are bound together. All things connect.