The LIGHT Center, T-90, College of the Redwoods (476-4290) - February 28, 2000

One of the most important rules to follow when putting out a newsletter such as this is to be impartial and not let the author's opinions and personal comments come into play. To some degree, this week's issue breaks that rule.

In my job I have the luxury of getting to know students on a very personal basis. My job is to be a detective and try to determine how to make the college experience as successful as possible, despite adversity. On a good day, I can say something that will help students feel better about themselves, their disability, and their lives. On a better day, we will say something to help each other. A fellow facing back surgery came in to see me last week. He was in a great deal of pain and for those of you who have disk problems, you know what I am talking about. Every breath, every movement feels like a knife in your spinal column. We talked about his problems, and got to the point of having him select what lectures he wanted to attend for his lecture credit. He looked over the list and said to me "Why don't you have one that addresses grief?" A bit surprised, I asked him to be more specific about what he meant. He continued to describe his own feelings about his upcoming surgery and potential physical limitations that may follow. He said that he felt that he was grieving for the loss of function now, as well as the anticipated changes.

The grieving process related to death is well documented. But this student had no recent death in the family. He was grieving for the loss of his ability to do the things he loves. He was grieving for his loss of a social circle, the friends he associated with while doing favorite activities. Grief is related to change and loss, not only death. This young man was grieving the loss of things in his past life, and the anticipated changes in his post-surgery life.

The student came away feeling a bit better, partly because I have experience with disk surgery and know what he faces. There is pain and grief when you have to say, "I can't do this anymore…this is something I will have to do without in my life"… and you grieve for the loss. I came away with a reminder that grief exists in the absence of death; a reminder that real-time and anticipated grief are part of everyday existence. We all have events in our lives for which we grieve. Some of us have aging parents. We grieve over their aging process and their eventual death. Those of you who have lost both parents know you can grieve over your loss of that last connection to childhood. Professionals in the helping fields often ignore their own need to grieve and heal. Whether it is a valued friendship destroyed, a relationship ending badly, an ailing pet, or the loss of ability to do something we love, we as helpers need to allow ourselves the time to grieve our own changes and loss. Only then can the helpers most effectively help the students who look to us for support.

Comments? mailto:trish-blair@redwoods.edu

A community is like a ship; everyone ought to be prepared to take the helm.
Henrik Ibsen

Often the grieving process associated with disability is downplayed. We gear services and support for the person with a disability to help them "compensate" for the loss of an ability. Do we though, give the newly disabled individual opportunity to grieve? They are facing great loss and looking to us for help. We need understanding of the grief they face, in addition to our own emotional health to be most effective in our helping role.

A person with a disability may face grief associated with:

• Loss of friends associated with doing a former activity,

• Loss of a body part or function,

• Loss of physical strength,
• Loss of ability to be independent in relation to mobility, self care,
• Alteration in hobbies, interests,
• Change in ability to support oneself financially,
• Loss of ability to drive (this is a big one which can significantly affect one's self image),
• Loss of mental prowess, memory,
• Change in self image,
• Loss of ability to maintain a home.

Human beings have a remarkable resilience that allows us to martial the needed strength to carry on despite adversity. It is easy though, to become frustrated with a student or colleague who is not able to "bounce back" from adversity as quickly as we would hope. We can empathize and care, but can we ever fully appreciate how another feels? Both our students and colleagues need our support and understanding each and every day. Make a difference today.