The LIGHT Center, T-90, College of the Redwoods (476-4290) - February 12, 2000

Well, it's that time of year again. The time that we celebrate the subject of our affections. It's in some ways like Christmas. It can be joyous when everybody is getting along. If the personalities are not harmoniously co-existing, it can be a painful time. This is especially true if one is also facing other difficulties related to health, finances, or some other personal challenge.

When we are struggling with a personal relationship, it can affect our behavior more than we like to admit. No one is immune to the pain of a broken heart, broken relationship, or failed marriage. We all face that pain at some point in our lives. The person that we imagined spending the rest of our lives with is no longer in the picture and it takes a good deal of adjustment. The symptoms of the pain faced during this adjustment are very clear to those around us, despite our best efforts to "keep our home life at home". Dr. Kathleen Corcoran has delineated some telltale symptoms associated with our adjustment during the time of interpersonal relationship upheaval.

Long time friends tend to avoid one another after a conflict. Those with whom we spent a great deal of time become strangers to us. Moreover, we also tend to avoid those in the "group" of friends that remind us of the person with whom we have had the personal crisis.

"I don't care", "leave me alone", "I was never really happy with ______ anyway". These are phrases that most of us have said at one time or another. Too often it is directed at someone not involved in our conflict. The irritability is one of the harder symptoms to "leave at home".

One of the more common behaviors to result after a conflict is to give the person involved in our conflict, the silent treatment. This gives a very strong non-verbal message to the party in question. It also gives a message to others around us that something is very wrong.

One of the more painful outcomes of a broken relationship is the "taking of sides" that mutual friends are often asked to take. This is stressful for all involved, and can put a real strain on everyday functioning.

Right now you can’t walk into a store or turn on the TV without something popping up about Valentine’s Day. For those who have recently gone through a break-up, or who are going through one now, it can be especially hard. Not only can a break-up have an effect on their overall demeanor; it can be reflected in the quality of their work, marks on exams, physical health, mental health, and overall ability to function. Valentine's day, while a celebration for many, can be a sad and reflective time for others. It's a good chance for us all to be sensitive to the feelings of those around us, students and co-workers.

Comments? mailto:trish-blair@redwoods.edu

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

-- Mother Teresa

Again in keeping with Dr. Corcoran's view, there are some emotional phases or stages that one travels through when faced with an ending of a relationship.

During this phase there is a reluctance to admit that an end is near, despite vague feelings of discontent. Distance develops as does anxiety, guilt and often depression.

This phase is the "airing out" phase, in which there is almost a relief involved in finally admitting that the end is near.

Emotional distance increases at this point, and both parties begin to feel victimized. Again, anxiety, guilt and sadness are heightened at this stage, as does fear for the future.

This is where the physical break is made. One begins to go out in public as a single person, make decisions unilaterally, and deal with the "choosing sides" that occurs with family and friends. Trauma, panic, and fear can be overwhelming if the support system is not firmly in place.

Finally there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Both parties begin to look to the future as a new beginning rather than as an end. There is typically a regaining of the sense of control over one's life and destiny. The victimization tends to dissipate during this stage.

Both parties can move beyond the blaming and anger. This can take as long as four years after the initial break-up of the relationship.